swash buckler

My pirate name is:

Mad Anne Kidd

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even though you're not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

after the last tear falls

'after the last tear falls
after the last secret's told
after the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
after the last child starves
and the last girl walks the boulevard
after the last year that's just too hard
there is love

after the last disgrace
after the last lie to save some face
after the last brutal jab from a poisoned tongue
after the last dirty politician
after the last meal down at the mission
after the last lonely night in prison
there is love

after the last plan fails
after the last siren wails
after the last young husband sails off to join the war
after the last "this marriage is over"
after the last young girls' innocence is stolen
after the last years of silence that won't let a heart open
there is love

and in the end, the end is oceans and oceans
of love and love again
we'll see how the tears that have fallen were caught in the palm
of the Giver of love and the Lover of all
and we'll look back on these tears
as old tales

meadow green, river wide valley deep, mountain high there is love'

-andrew peterson

time to blog about something happy!

ok, ok. i admit, this blog has taken a bit of a downward, depressing turn. but hey, if ya'll want to journey into my brain with me, sometimes that's just what you're gonna get.

but maybe i should take a break from the self-deprecating humor and lighten things up a bit. so grab your partner, get ready for the 'couples skate' and read on...

it is the day after a very wet snow, the fresh white is clinging to the trees. i enjoyed a lovely cup of tea this morning while almost throwing my very bad puppy against the wall (yes, i do actually have a very bad puppy, this is not a metaphor for my id or super ego). after almost throwing him against the wall, i felt an intense pang of guilt for the hatred that almost stemmed from my fingers onto his tender fur and so i pulled him out of his cage and we enjoyed a lovely Forgiveness cuddle. to pass the time this morning, i have wandered off to warmer days, sunshine on my face, being in duluth and pondering the mysteries Superior holds, the chartreuse green of spring trees, the thaw of winter and the thaw of my heart. spring should come soon. any day now in fact.

time to get back on the coffee

i know that john mayer is pop. some people don't dig pop. but i have a stupid mouth just like he does.

i had a really hard day yesterday. and the day before. in fact it's been a hard month. maybe it's seasonal, or maybe it's just being a female. whatever. anyway, these hard days bled over onto some people around me that i really love. and i realized that the people i love the most and the people that love me the most are the ones who i "allow" to see this side of me. yeah, because that's a real privalege that should only be saved for the people who have taken the extreme risk to love me and be let in. i should treat the people who have taken the risk to love me the best, and show them the best side of me.

i become this person so hideous that it would make jesus drink gin straight out of the cat dish.

i didn't make the choice to love yesterday. or the day before. i think that my decision to get off coffee just isn't working out.

what makes it all better

in the end, the thing that really does make it all better is this...

a small bowl of cheap-ass chocolate ice cream.

where is my other sock?

we, as christians, as artists, and especially as christian artists, have the incredible ability to weave downward spirals in our minds about things that most 'normal' people don't obsess over (no, christians are not normal. we're really a bunch of weirdos).

for example (this is not a complete list):
"what is the right thing?"
"what should i do?"
"what does God want me to do?"
"is this holy?"
"i should've done that instead of this"
"am i even supposed to be here?"
"are You pleased?"
"will You ever be pleased?"
"where did i leave my other sock?"
"did You lead me here?"
"why did You lead me here?"
"why did You leave me here?"

you ever wonder if people who don't believe in any sort of higher Being, or don't believe in anything within themselves, have it easier than us? they just do their 9-5, make their money, hang with their friends, slam their beers, and move on with their lives. we, on the other hand, spend hours, days, sometimes months, torturing our innards trying to move towards our God to follow, listen, and obey... we do this to the point of inward torture at times, not being able to discern His voice from the voice in our head and the voices of the people around us... this whole Christian thing could really drive a person nutty.

admist all of the inward torture and drama, i love my God so much that i couldn't imagine not torturing myself to follow him, and to let Him fulfill the desires of my heart.

but dang it, it'd sure be easier to just work a 9-5 and be able to sleep at night without the help of Tylenol PM.

"what's He saying?"

i seem to be a little lost in myself lately.

but maybe the problem is exactly that... i'm looking for myself.

my phone rang monday morning. i answered "hello?"

a familiar voice responded "what's He saying?" well, here's what He's been saying:

i was reminded by my God this weekend that what He is doing is amazingly larger than my little human brain could ever conceive. if He actually gave me a picture of how big It really is, my brain couldn't even handle it.

He also reminded me that because He is big, i am small. "... you're not unimportant. not forgotten. just small. try to move past the inward stuff. stop obsessing about where you fit and how you feel. i am a God of process. I am most certainly in this with you. but it's time to just breathe a little and let it go for a while. search for Me and you will find Me. come be part of what I'm doing and leave yourself behind. trust Me for all that you need, not the people around you. I am more than enough for you. come to Me..."

and so i find some peace. for now...