two parts panic, one part excitement
i am now twenty-eight weeks pregnant with these two little burgeoning babes and find myself waffling between utter and complete panic, excitement… then right back into panic.
the panic stems from the reality that, very soon, i will be the sole caregiver for two bodies, two spirits, two souls that have been entrusted to my care by someThing greater than myself who obviously thinks i am capable of such a thing… which leaves me feeling two ways - #1) i am more than slightly inadequate for such a daunting task, and #2) this someThing greater obviously doesn’t know me.
the panic also stems from the fact that i have never held a baby for longer than 15 seconds without thrusting the screaming-red-faced-nightmare back into the soothing arms of its mother. i don’t know. there’s just always been something about me and babies – i make them scream their heads off. and in a very short period of time, i am going to, supposedly, be that soothing presence of "mom" for not only one, but two screaming-red-faced-nightmares beautiful babes. i have also never in my life changed a diaper... not even on a doll. and, yes, very soon i will be changing two babies' diapers with some dreadful frequency.
oh, but in the midst of this panic and fear of the unknown, i am stricken with excitement that my entire life is about to change… forever. i will never again not be a mama to these two babes – no matter what may happen. what a beautiful gift i have been given.
i know there will be many moments of joy and beauty amidst the fumbling craziness that is soon to come. my only hope is that the moments of joy and beauty are enough to hold me fast and steady through the moments of panic and fear which will surely continue until i am no longer on this earth.
the panic stems from the reality that, very soon, i will be the sole caregiver for two bodies, two spirits, two souls that have been entrusted to my care by someThing greater than myself who obviously thinks i am capable of such a thing… which leaves me feeling two ways - #1) i am more than slightly inadequate for such a daunting task, and #2) this someThing greater obviously doesn’t know me.
the panic also stems from the fact that i have never held a baby for longer than 15 seconds without thrusting the screaming-red-faced-nightmare back into the soothing arms of its mother. i don’t know. there’s just always been something about me and babies – i make them scream their heads off. and in a very short period of time, i am going to, supposedly, be that soothing presence of "mom" for not only one, but two screaming-red-faced-
oh, but in the midst of this panic and fear of the unknown, i am stricken with excitement that my entire life is about to change… forever. i will never again not be a mama to these two babes – no matter what may happen. what a beautiful gift i have been given.
i know there will be many moments of joy and beauty amidst the fumbling craziness that is soon to come. my only hope is that the moments of joy and beauty are enough to hold me fast and steady through the moments of panic and fear which will surely continue until i am no longer on this earth.
posted by ashley rebekah at 10:13 AM
7 Comments:
You are such a graceful poet. I don't know if you can write gracefully, but if you can, you do. I would imagine that you have summed up the doubts of millions of expectant mothers from time gone-by to the present (and for those of us hoping to be so blessed some day.)
I know one thing, those two babes have a Mama that can sing like an angel. That may be a good defense to the two screaming-red-faced-nightmare beautiful, sweet darlings.
I can relate to your pre-mama condition of not really relating to babies well. I scarcely ever babysat from the discomfort of being near them before I had my own. Something happened though after I had my first. There truly is a parental instinct that kicks in when you birth them. And as far as the mixed "moments" of parenting are concerned, I've found that the good far out weighs the bad even when there were times when I felt crushed!
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Hi, I just stumbled onto your blog, and I love reading your writing. It's very poignant and charming. I'm in no position to give advice, but I wish you the best of luck! I hope you keep writing!
Strangely enough, it all changes when you have little ones of your own. The first time they lay eyes on you, they know. Mommy!
So the only fussing you'll hear is when there's something you need to fix.
Good luck--twins? Whew!
Scratch
i hope u de best luck for ur future with ur babies i am very touched n i truly mean it :D
best of luck
DeSabs
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