it was just yesterday

there was something about the the earth yesterday morning, the way the sunlight tangoed on the green leaves of summer, that wet-dirt-earthy smell... there was something in the air that reminded me of october, and i felt something beautiful, positive and hopeful well up inside of me. the smell and feel of the air actually brought a smile to my face. in the wafting breeze, i felt a sense of comfort in my memories of this past fall, almost a sense of longing... how is it that my memories of this fall are laced with peace, comfort, almost a sense of joy? all those hours i spent weeping on my kitchen floor in agony over all of my failures... all those nights of sobbing myself to sleep... all those mornings of crying my way into work, barely having the strength to even get up for something that mundane. how is it possible to have fond memories of, and a longing for that?

perhaps this is just our way. our minds have a way of forgetting was is utterly too painful to recollect, yet our bodies hold on to triggers of smells, sounds, sights, and sensations. and so when our bodies are reminded by these smells, sounds, or sights, our minds go instead to the moments of peace and happiness we felt in the midst of that trauma. for me, it was the month when my mom was here, or making my first apple pie from scratch. or the experience of conquering my first toolbox, and all those beautiful sun-drenched morning walks before heading off to work. those lunchtime meanders down to peavey plaza to sit in the sun and watch the leaves change... those were the moments that i lived for this past fall. the times of peace, comfort, calmness, those moments when i truly felt that i was overcoming at least something.

to me, there is nothing more beautiful than fall. it is death, in physical form. you watch it transpire, as the life is sucked out of the leaves. and in the process of dying, they give off the most radiant beauty. in the process of letting go of that photosynthetic shimmering green, they become something even more beautiful than they ever thought they had a whisper of being.

i guess that is the process that began for me this fall. letting go of the life i was trying to build, and letting it die instead of worshipping at its feet as an idol. and in the wake of that death, i am becoming something much more beautiful than i ever imagined. so that is why my body triggers memories that feel, dare i say it aloud, almost happy... it was death, and i will always mourn for it just as one would over the death of anything they love. but on the other side of that death is more life that i ever dared to speak out loud or dream.