a little more light

this is what happens on new years eve... you flip through your memories of the past year and ponder all that has happened, while simultaneously anticipating what the next year may bring. and most likely, if you're anything like the other 98.7% of us, as you remember the past year and look forward to the next, you have to get so completely annihilated with alcohol that you subsequently spend most of new years day with a headache, a hearty dose of morning-after regret, and a bunch of resolutions to the tune of "will drink less in '08".

as i look back on the past year with fear and trembling, the thought-slash-prayer that is buried within my broken heart is "i'm not sure if i can take much more of this". and it is in the beautifully penned words of anne lamott that i say, "luckily, at this point in time, i was still drinking".

i refuse to entertain you with an endless list of the events that have taken place this year. because what's more important that remembering specific scenarios or situations is to remember that i have tried to just keep walking forward on this journey. my knees have given out under the weight more times than they have held steady, and any forward motion i had looked less like a proud gait and more like crawling, clawing, and clutching the ground, with long pauses to press my forehead to the floor. i do sometimes wish that i could give myself a convenient case of amnesia in order to forget most of what has transpired this past year. but that is not possible. and so instead, i am trying to weather those memories with a little bit of self acceptance, a lot of self forgiveness, and more patience than i've been known to have with myself.

as i look forward, i hesitate to say that it couldn't get any worse. because it just might.

but somewhere inside of me, even though i shudder to admit it, i think i still believe that Someone greater than me knows exactly what i can handle. so here's to hoping that the same Someone hears me when i say "i don't think i can take much more of this", and will simply shed a little more light on my way through this darkness.