the chasm between the me's

tonight i took a brief journey though my past blog ramblings (priedloose.blogspot.com) and i felt the oddest thing. i felt like a complete stranger to myself. who was it writing those things? it was me, it had to have been me. but it has been so long since i sensed any kind of inner connection to the things and people and ideas that once drew me deeper. to reflect on them now, well, just a beautiful short year and a half ago, i feel like an utter, total, and complete stranger to myself.

is this still formation? am i still be "formed" into something beautiful? or did i misstep, did i miss something and step off of some holy path that i am supposed to be on right now?

i do not have the answer to those questions. not tonight.

but i do know this - that i could not be more different than the person i was a short 15 months ago. yet... there is something in the words that i wrote then that i still feel pulsing within me. there is still that sense that i'm "in there"... somewhere. and. at the same time... i am so utterly and completely different now. but i could not imagine myself happier. and back then? i was miserable. absolutely miserable within. the darkness that ate at my insides was at times so consuming and heavy that i could barely breathe. i haven't felt that darkness in a long time.

maybe this journey of hide and seek, of seek and find, of learning myself and letting myself be is never over. so. i'm completely and utterly different than i was. and i need to embrace the chasm between the two versions of me.

maybe the chasm between the two is what is most beautiful.