two parts panic, one part excitement

i am now twenty-eight weeks pregnant with these two little burgeoning babes and find myself waffling between utter and complete panic, excitement… then right back into panic.

the panic stems from the reality that, very soon, i will be the sole caregiver for two bodies, two spirits, two souls that have been entrusted to my care by someThing greater than myself who obviously thinks i am capable of such a thing… which leaves me feeling two ways - #1) i am more than slightly inadequate for such a daunting task, and #2) this someThing greater obviously doesn’t know me.

the panic also stems from the fact that i have never held a baby for longer than 15 seconds without thrusting the screaming-red-faced-nightmare back into the soothing arms of its mother. i don’t know. there’s just always been something about me and babies – i make them scream their heads off. and in a very short period of time, i am going to, supposedly, be that soothing presence of "mom" for not only one, but two screaming-red-faced-nightmares beautiful babes. i have also never in my life changed a diaper... not even on a doll. and, yes, very soon i will be changing two babies' diapers with some dreadful frequency.

oh, but in the midst of this panic and fear of the unknown, i am stricken with excitement that my entire life is about to change… forever. i will never again not be a mama to these two babes – no matter what may happen. what a beautiful gift i have been given.

i know there will be many moments of joy and beauty amidst the fumbling craziness that is soon to come. my only hope is that the moments of joy and beauty are enough to hold me fast and steady through the moments of panic and fear which will surely continue until i am no longer on this earth.