and here we are, at twenty weeks

this week, i am twenty weeks pregnant.

from what i've heard, twenty weeks is a milestone. it's usually around the time you have the "big ultrasound" where they check for all important limbs, body parts, and specifically, those body parts. around twenty weeks, most women start to feel those first few baby kicks. twenty weeks is also the exact mid-point of your forty week pregnancy. twenty weeks down, twenty to go.

however, i am having twins. which means that i will most likely meet this two little creatures earlier than forty weeks. we could wind up face-to-faces around thirty-four weeks or anytime thereafter.

"so what?" you may be wondering.

well, i'll tell you what. i am losing sleep at night over the thought that i'm more than half way through my pregnancy and have nothing to show for it other than countless pairs of elastic waist pants and a fridge stocked full of food for my ever-increasing appetite. but that is pretty much all i have to show for myself at this twenty week milestone - a bigger belly, a voracious appetite, and bigger, more flexible pants.

the room we have designated as the "baby-baby room" is a vacant, un-painted, dreary disaster of leftover and yet-to-be-unpacked items from our move one month ago... we have researched carseats, cribs and strollers but have not made any decisions or purchased anything... we haven't decided what kind or type of slings we'll need, nor have we made a decision on what kind of cloth diapers will be best...

i had hoped that my thrust into motherhood would be the kind that my friends would admire or write to their own mothers about - a blissfully organized week-by-week planning guide to motherhood with items ticked off of a to-do list in a manner that would make martha stewart foam at the mouth. instead, i am as disorganized and behind-the-proverbial-eight-ball as one could possibly be.

i know i can do better than this, but i am just so damn tired... and hungry.

... and then there were two

'round about the end of march, i wound up pregnant.

i guess the phrase "wound up pregnant" doesn't really quite fit. it's not as if i did nothing to bring this on. but this was definitely not planned. we were not trying to get pregnant. we had not seriously talked about starting a family anytime in the next decade. in fact, due to a medical diagnosis that my partner received in his younger years, we indeed thought it impossible to ever have children together without external and medical, eh-hem, "intervention".

the weeks that followed the discovery of those two little pink lines on not only one, two, or three, but seven different pregnancy tests, were a mixture of panic, excitement, fear and trembling. as the days ticked by, the panic began to subside into peace and i began to feel more and more okay with the idea of growing another human for the next nine months and then welcoming that human into this broken world with some modicum of sanity, a bounty of mistakes and an ample amount love.

so as i was, quite literally, just barely starting to wrap my head and heart around the idea of having a baby ("a" baby, meaning one, singular, solo) i went in for my first OB appointment. i was about 8 weeks pregnant. chris was not with me at this appointment as i figured it would be the standard OB/GYN rigamaroll, and let's just be honest - no one really wants an audience for this.

i will never forget the moment that the nurse practitioner "got in there" (pardon the bluntness, but if you're a regular reader of my blog you are used to it by now...) and said "well, both pregnancies look great". at this point, my lack of knowledge regarding conception, the female reproductive system and babies in general reared it's ugly head as i responded with - "both pregnancies? what, is one of them the placenta or something?" the nurse simply smiled and stated quite plainly, as if reading me the weather report for the next five days, "no, my dear. you are having twins."

i do believe that my heart stopped for approximately 8 seconds.

at the conclusion of this appointment, i walked to my car, clutching the ultrasound pictures of two little circular blobs in my sweaty hands. i fell into the car seat in wracking sobs. i had to talk to someone, but telling chris over the phone seemed somewhat cold and innappropriate. so, of course, i called my mother.

i happened to catch her at a thruway stop somewhere along the eastern seaboard. i believe she may have been in a dunkin' donuts. she answered the phone and heard my trembling voice squeak out "mom? i'm having twins..." . i believe at this point, she laughed with sheer joy and announced to the entire dunkin' donuts that she was going to be a first time grandma to twins. this was not exactly the "support" i was expecting, but her joy and excitement quickly eased my panic and fear. in fact, it became contagious.

i went into work and immediately walked to chris' desk. he knew that i had an appointment that morning and i'm sure he was somewhat fearful and nervous of what they might find. i walked into his cube and said "we need to talk. now." chris has since told me that i was white as a sheet. we walked into an empty conference room and sat down. i pried the now crinkled and sweaty ultrasound pictures from my trembling fist and simply slid them across the table towards him, not saying a word. he looked at it for a moment, and then gave me a big smile and said "...... two?!"

a lot has happened since then, as i am now 19 weeks along. i have stumbled into the vast and somewhat chaotic sea of all-things-baby including, but not limited to:

• crib comparisons
• ring sling and baby wrap shopping
• support groups for mama's of twins
• cloth versus disposable diaper debates
• car seat shopping
• maternity pants (quite possibly the only proof that there is, in fact, a God)
• various birthing plans for twins
• attachment parenting resources
• breast feeding forums
• organic pregnancies
• prenatal yoga classes
• stroller comparisons

all of this and i find myself somewhere in the middle of feeling "i'm only 19 weeks along" and "holy-crap-i'm-already-19-weeks-along".

so consider yourself officially welcomed onto this journey... this miraculous event that has taken over and changed me, forever and for the rest of my life.