six months ago, march 24th, 2008...

about six months ago, i made the decision to put a gigantic “pause” on the life i had been trying to create for myself, and step out with the whisper of a promise that there just might be something better for me. there’s no need to lay out in chapter and verse all of the reasons why that decision became not only plausible but possible, just as there’s also no reason to lay out why that decision was utterly impossible and implausible. but somehow in the months and weeks leading up to that day, the ledger line shifted and i knew what to do. and so, on september 24th, with a faith that felt more shaky than solid, i embraced a completely unknown journey.

the weeks that followed were a mixture of shock-slash-relief. i was taken in by a dear friend who offered me and my two bags of neccesities a place to live, a place to rest, and a place to ‘be’ until i knew what next to do. i remember falling asleep in her extra bedroom, in the cool september air, often to the sound of rain, feeling more worn out than i ever had a memory of feeling. she helped me get from day one to day two, from day two to day three, without looking too far ahead or regretting what i had done. i look back on those two weeks with a great deal of fondness… which is more than slightly bizarre, being that those two weeks came in the wake of a life-altering decision that i swore would rip me apart. but it didn’t rip me apart. instead, i began the process of getting put back together for the first time in my life, and the friend who embraced me through those first two weeks was one of the main reasons why.

when the time came to take the next step forward, i was surprised by the hands that showed up to lift a box, unpack dishes, put together furniture, or take me shopping for new sheets and towels. i was also surprised that my new home felt more like a sanctuary than the prison i had been anticipating it to be. there were small doses of joy and peace in those first few weeks of “nesting” in my new home and neighborhood. despite the trauma that lead to my living alone, there was so much good surrounding me on every side. it was nearly impossible to not find at least something beautiful to be grateful for, even on the days when i couldn’t pry my face off of the cold kitchen floor. i was somehow overflowing with gratitude and grace in the midst of my grief.

the next few weeks included those dreaded things we call “holidays”, which are painful enough to withstand without having just re-entered life post-trauma. but i made it through thanksgiving relatively unscathed with the help of my beautiful mother who stayed with me during what would have otherwise been an incredibly lonely few weeks. christmas was my first trip home for the holiday since my first year of marriage, and it was amazingly healing to spend those days in the house that i grew up in, the place where i started to become who i am still in the process of becoming.

december also marked my staggering re-entry into the many chapters of being a single adult, which often times include fresh new batches of heartache and disappointment. the weeks that followed christmas were some of the darkest. i woke up almost every morning crying, and could barely make it to work without falling apart on the way. i believe that i spoke to my mother on the phone every single morning… but it was hardly a conversation. it was mostly my sobbing, quickly followed by her offerings of love and compassion long distance. this continued until i got so bored with my own heartache that i had to begin to hope beyond what i was feeling. i began to acknoledge that the momentary heartache threatening to swallow me whole was not about the event that kickstarted it, but more about what it represented and reminded me of. and again, through all of this, i found myself encompassed by the kind of love that simply sat in the mess with me.

the months that have followed since then have been filled with a variety of life experiences that i never pictured for myself even a year ago. i have been surrounded by friends and family who have listened well, loved well, laughed well, and lived alongside me well. i have somehow wound up being the sole beneficiary of people who have been more than willing to let me be a mess, and love me anyways. i have found ways to navigate through the mess, all the while learning to have more patience with myself than i normally do, and remembering that what i did took a great deal of strength and courage. were it not for the people who have loved me, i could not have done it and i would not be here.

whatever small words i can offer are laced with gratitude... both for the journey that has lead me here, and for the decisions that i do not regret. i could not wish for anything different that what i have been given.