between belief and life

you are what you eat and you live what you believe.

i want to believe that the good news of the gospel is that this world and this life doesn't get to have the last word.

i want to believe that Someone greater gets to be the alpha-omega Word on who i am, on who we are, on what this life is supposed to be: beautiful and breathtaking, a yoke that is easy and a burden that is light.

i want to believe that all this depression and endless cognitive wormholeing means that i'm exactly in the middle of where i'm supposed to be, embracing and fighting for the ragtag kingdom of god.

i desperately need to believe that it's possible to be so in tune with the unswerving beautiful creator of all this mess that everything else becomes dissonant caucophony in comparison.

but i have embraced the dissonance as my bittersweet resolution. and i've grown more exhausted with every silent fight.

so if you are what you eat and you live what you believe, then i believe that i've taken up residence in the gap between belief and life. and in this gap is a vacuum of questions, manufactured liberations, and spiritual insanites.

if there is any hope of hearing a different final word on me, i either have to change what i believe, or change what i live. i wonder which will be the easier.