i am the mason jar

this moment is not mine, it can't be.
some great crack in the cosmos and i find myself in someone else's moment.
this can't be for me.
these things are meant for the people who search for you, listen to you, look for you...
more often than i like to admit, that's not who i am.
because i am the one that stumbles along, shoulders hunched, hands in my pockets, eyes to my shoes.
i am the one who misses it all the time. i miss you all the time.

last i checked, my eyes were still to the ground, my hands were still in my pockets.
but this moment, i hear you now. i see you now.
you hold my face in your hands and in a breath my heart breaks open.

and suddenly i am the mason jar, trying to capture your light and hold on to whatever i can.
but there are so many cracks in the glass and the lid doesn't quite fit like it used to.
and before i can exhale, you escape like a vapor and the noise in my head returns.
the cracks get bigger, the lid gets stripped, and i cannot hold on to you.

but you keep inviting me. so i'll promise to try and hold on.
i promise to try and keep showing up.
even though what i have is more broken than whole and what i hold is more absent than present.
because you are the creating, unswerving, always here Presence.
you are always inviting me to just try... to try and hold on.