oh, two hundred hours

the middle of the night is damn weird when you're awake for it. no one is around. it's just you, the sound of your breathing, and the sloshing of grey matter in your head. at least i think that's what that sound is. maybe it's just residual feedback from the muse show the other night, at which i learned that curly hair does not make very good ear plugs. but chewed up ticket stubs do.

grain belt does not make a beer that isn't premium. and for this i am grateful.

i heard that 'the goodbye party' (an organization that helps people plan and celebrate their funerals) has an event coming up at which you can listen to live bluegrass music whilst you build your own coffin. i was unaware that bluegrass music and coffin-building went together. but then again, i was unaware that chinese food and chocolate pudding go together. if i were to plan an event like this, i would have a volleyball play-off in which the winning team would have to build the coffins for the losing team. this is a good plan.

the text messaging on my phone does not recognize the word 'blueberry'.

come awake, from sleep arise

tuesday night found me in my car, listening to a broadcast about the book rejuvenile - a book that explores the social phenomenon of a generation that doesn't want to "grow up". because our culture worships at the feet of youth and all things young, and because the tools of youth are more readily accessible to us via such resources as the internet and iTunes, we can remain culturally relevant, regardless of our actual age. in contrast to the adults of previous generations, we do not buy the same things, listen to the same music, or live the same lives that they did. we might have the same adult responsibilities (marriages, jobs, mortgages, schedules), but unlike the generations that preceeded us, we vehemently resist forsaking the dreams of our youth to simply become an adult who no longer dreams.

here's a quote from the book: "the fact is that today, adults who scoff at superhero movies, MTV, or the latest movie from pixar risk coming off as snobbish, uptight, or --worst of all-- out of touch. some rejuveniles admit that their attraction to kid stuff is at least partially driven by a desire to stay young in a culture that equates being young with being cool and being old with being irrelevant..."

as i listened to the author describe the rejuvenile male uniform (messenger bag, zip-up hoodie, iPod), it became clear to me that our new definition of adulthood effects much more than our purchasing trends or fashion sense. i wonder if previous generations defined their lives and gauged their value as an adult by the major decisions they made: where they would go to college, who they would marry, what career they would choose, etc. but we have been given the luxury of choice: to choose to define our lives not by the circumstantial decisions we make, but by who we are. and according to the book, we're doing it. more than any other generation, we are holding to our passions, trying to make it in this frightening world without giving up and giving in, without growing culturally irrelevant as the years pass us by.

what does all of this rejuvenile talk have to do with me?

i believe i'm in the midst of my first official quarter-life crisis, which began upon turning 28 a few months ago. i'm not exactly sure what brought it on like a smack upside the face. i think i just realized that most of the major decisions of my life have already been made and i'm not even 30. i have a great job, i have an amazing husband, i love my home and my friends and the life that i've chosen to live. but its depressing to be 28 and wonder if i've exhausted all possible options for the kind of life i will live.

all this rejuvenile talk has helped me rediscover a grain of truth that has brought some reprieve to my questioning heart. maybe the major decisions of my life have been made. but those circumstancial decisions do not decide who i am. i am still in the pangs of child birth. God has not given up on me and He has always been more concerned with who i am becoming than with the circumstances i am in. i am still in this. i am still on this journey. He makes all things new and i am reborn everyday.

it's beautiful and breathtaking. i have only just started to live.